This time of year, people like to talk a lot of b.s. about giving, the magic of the season, etc. I’d like to take a different tack and talk about a new seasonal theme that, in my opinion, is just as relevant to the holidays: Revenge.
Think about it. This doesn’t have to be a time of giving and getting crap from HomeGoods that, let’s face it, will ultimately end up in a landfill. The holidays can, and should, be about so much more.
I’m talking about the gift that kharmatically keeps on giving, the gift of getting even. Why now? Because during this season of light and hope, I’m bored by the same old traditions. I want to spice things up.
I’m not going to sit here playing coy, pretending that I’m one of those people who doesn’t believe in revenge. Oh, I do. I so do. Generally, I just prefer to leave revenge to God, and that’s only because I think that if I try to execute balance on my own, I’ll either fall shy of what’s truly deserved or I’ll overshoot the mark and bring on some newly deserved nasty on my own head. I keep my paws clean because I think God will eventually nail evil people harder than I ever could.
However, you may not believe this. Or you may just be sick of waiting. In any case, the holidays are a great time to dole out some of what someone else has coming. Because in this starlit season of giving and loving and that extra glass of wine (or three), no one will see you coming.
If you’re ready to drop the act this ho-ho-ho season and slather some justice down on the hoe-hoe-hoes in your life, here are a handful of ideas to get you going. It’s a baby step primer for beginners, but I’d like to think that it could give even you justice-loving Joan of Arcs out there a moment or two of reflection as well.
Prep your poker face and your rock-hard alibi for the following:
- One word: Keys. Our lives revolve around them, and when they go missing, mayhem ensues. The degree that they go missing could be proportionally related to the horribleness of your offender: mailbox, inside a letter addressed to Castro inside the mailbox, the woods, the roof, or the toilet (bowl or tank, your choice).
- Where did I put my… It’s not stealing if you don’t remove it from someone’s possession. Taking a passport that’s safe in the study and moving it to an adjacent shelf or another table doesn’t make it any less safe. It may, however, cause the perpetrator to question their sanity.
- Forget online bashing and take tweeting to a new level. Pepper their car with bird seed and it will be covered with crap by dawn.
- Whiskey, tango, foxtrot? Put a raisin in their toothpaste. It doesn’t sound like it would matter, but it’s unnerving.
- The best part of waking up… Put dry coffee grounds in their shoes. It’s unpleasant.
- Matchy matchy. If you have access to their socks, take a small percentage (no more than 20%) and dispose of them somewhere they could never be found again.
- A penny for your bitchiness. Pennies aren’t a threat, and unless you leave prints, they’re anonymous. Load their personal space with copper to subtly let them know that someone (or something) has invaded their territory. The appearance of unusual objects is the kind of thing that makes you wonder, and wondering is the first step to unraveling. If you don’t like pennies, you could try anything from dried up markers to collections of empty spice containers.
- Spam for the greater good. Sign them up for as many charitable organization mailing lists as possible. Unlike slathering people with illicit material, this is spamming someone for a good cause. No one is more persistent than a charity who wants your money, and your evildoer is guaranteed to be inundated with messages. Who knows, maybe they’ll volunteer or something and stop being such a Grinch.
Now, obviously, these ideas (like all forms of evil) can be used for good. Maybe you just want to do a jolly ‘ole prank on a funny uncle, or video your sister searching for her keys or scraping crap off her car to incorporate it into your digital holiday letter.
Either way, I wish you a magical and balanced holiday season. May no one do anything nasty to you, and if they do, may you have it coming. Ho ho ho!